I feel sh*t.
I can’t put my finger on it.
My name is Callum, I don’t normally write blogs, and I’m now at an age where I've started struggling with technology - yes, I'm in the twilight of my 33rd year!
A few years ago, just as the COVID pandemic kicked off, I wrote a blog called The Race to the Top is Often the Race to the Bottom. It was a clumsily written attempt at expressing my mental health struggles when I was at music college, for a want of sharing the experience with the world hoping there would be people out there that it might resonate with - particularly men.
When I went to music college, I wanted to be a tuba player in a professional symphony orchestra. That was the dream, but when I was at college I realised that it didn’t set me on fire. For an orchestral tuba player it could be a sedentary life counting a lot of bars rest in great orchestral music. Dvorak’s Symphony number 9 for example has a meager splattering of notes for the tuba player and they're only in the final movement - less than 20 in the entire work! I found it to be a bit boring, and with the prospect of there being around ten pro orchestras in the UK each with one tuba position, I felt what's the point in chasing something so fiercely competitive when it didn’t set me on fire? So my focus was on the next logical thing; I wanted to be an international tuba soloist!
Yes, a soloist is a tricky path no matter the instrument, and especially for a tubist when a) who on earth wants to listen to a tuba solo, and b) there’s only one person in the world who I believe has carved a full career as a soloist! The odds aren't great, but I thoroughly enjoyed the process of learning difficult music to never get the opportunity to perform it - although it did teach me to be proactive in creating opportunities, and I managed to find high schools and youth ensembles who were open to me giving little masterclasses to students.
When I graduated, I ultimately ended up in the army, posted to Her Majesty’s Band of the Coldstream Guards in London (bearskins, scarlet uniforms, Buckingham Palace, HUZZAH! All that stuff). At the time, I viewed the army as a place people joined if they had no other choice. My overarching cocky thought was they just weren’t the level of orchestras like the London Symphony Orchestra. Bullshit thinking! Because I wasn’t the level of the LSO either, and a long way to go to be good enough to play with any of the London professional orchestras! It was an arrogant assertion, but one I reconciled with the thought that it was a minimum 4 year commitment - time I could use to really get good at playing.
I served from 2015 to 2021, before transferring to the RAF of which I recently left in September 2024. During my military career I did some unimaginable high profile engagements. King Charles’ coronation, the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II, the Platinum Jubilee. I performed at Downing Street for Prime Minister Rishi Sunak; I wrote music that was performed at the State Opening of Parliament; I performed for the state visits of foreign dignitaries including (and unfortunately) for former president Trump. I performed at the Royal Albert Hall in the orchestra for the Festival of Remembrance; I was principal tubist with the Household Division Orchestra for the BBCs VJ Day 75th Commemorations; I’ve performed with Jeff Goldblum, Leona Lewis, James Blunt, Luke Evans, and Hannah Waddingham to name a few. I even went on tours, performing in Japan, Switzerland, Cyprus, and also appeared in a TV ad for Game of Thrones. I completed 27 shows at the Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo (where I met my girlfriend), and performed at soirees for the most senior leadership in the British Military and NATO. Outside of playing, the job thrust me in front of major news outlets for interviews; the BBC, ITV, Channel 5, and a live interview for Talk TV. I even played my part in the evacuation of Afghanistan, and was deployed to Op Outward at the headquarters for NATO maritime command in Northwood, London.
I feel sh*t.
All along this tuba playing path, I realised I really loved conducting, and it’s something I started loving when I was studying in Denmark for my Undergraduate degree. And since returning to the UK, I developed a local wind band to become an award winning band, growing it from 10 players to a fully fledged band that performed to sell out audiences. I’ve conducted all three bands of the RAF, and the Band of the Coldstream Guards. I was accepted to international conducting workshops and classes in New York, Colorado, and California; I also guest conducted the Denver Philharmonic Orchestra, San Francisco Philharmonic Orchestra, and University of Wisconsin Wind Ensemble. In November 2023, I even beat fierce competition to be the next musical director of the London Video Game Orchestra. Throughout these triumphs, however, I was always longing to be in front of a major orchestra at the Royal Albert Hall. That's my conducting dream.
I currently sit in a bar in Milwaukee having been offered a position at the Peck School of the Arts as a graduate teaching assistant on the MM Conducting programme with tuition fully covered, and a stipend of $9500. A position I was offered after attending a conducting symposium in April.
But I feel sh*t.
I’ll be honest with you, at this stage you probably think i've just been showboating and think “what’s he got to be feeling shit about? He seems like an egotistical arse”. You’d probably be right - I’ve noticed recently that I've attached my self worth to the caliber of gig I do, rather than praise or thanks I receive for a job well done - especially from those I love.
If you’re still with me and read this far, let me explain further.
I’m 33, and yes, I'm in that bracket when men are most susceptible to poor mental health. Amongst all these glimmering moments of my career, I think there’s darker moments that have stitched them all together - and its the little knocks we all face as musicians that add up and congeal over time tarnishing the good times. I think the feeling is compounded at the moment having left the armed forces, needing to adapt to civvie life, but adapting to civvie life in a foreign country all whilst finding my feet in an education institution. It's a tall order.
My girlfriend is an amazing sound board; she’s almost mesmerized by things I've done, and set my mind to. But in my mind I'm always on this hamster wheel to “greatness”. I do something that any normal person would think is fantastic, but in my mind, I’ve ticked off a box and am looking to ‘what’s next?’. When I had participated in the King’s Coronation, I came off parade, and went to my next freelance gig that day completely ignoring -almost oblivious- to the monumental and historical feat I'd just accomplished. My girlfriend is exceptionally good at reminding me of the great things I do, but deep down I somehow don’t accept it because it’s not my dream of conducting at the Albert Hall.
As a conductor, I feel very burnt out. It’s something I've particularly poured myself into but in the past 12 months all the little knocks have built up.
For nearly 9 years I was at the helm of a wind band in the UK who I nurtured, developed, and built to who they are today. I poured myself into it before receiving an email telling me they were ousting me. It was a tough blow, completely out of the blue, and absolutely knocked my self worth. In an uplifting twist I shortly after won the audition to be the next MD of the London Video Game Orchestra which thoroughly excited me. I’m proud of my tenure there, but my god, I entered into an arena where everyone’s opinion was vocal, and I’ll be honest, I encountered a couple of people who didn’t realise they were being incredibly disrespectful and rude to me. I’d receive emails late in the evening, or over the weekend, and if I caught sight of them they’d really affect me and ruin my day when the content was advice on how to conduct, or lead, or direct. In hindsight I should have never made my email public knowledge to the ensemble!
But I'm now here in Milwaukee, feeling frustrated and disappointed. I have a constant thought of 'what’s the point?'.
If you’ve had the endurance to read this far, I commend you, but you also might be asking what’s the purpose of this blog? Unfortunately I don’t know. It’s a somewhat incoherent splurge of feeling!
If I was trying to summarize what i’m trying to say for the benefit of anyone reading then I reckon it is this:
I still have hopefully a long life ahead of me, and I'm blessed with a bucket full of amazing experiences behind me. My path as a musician has always been evolving, and in a way I hadn’t planned for or intended; but everything has allowed me to grow as a musician, and has played a part placing me where I am today.
There is no end goal as a musician. I repeat: there is no end goal! My dream is to conduct an orchestra at the Royal Albert Hall wearing my signature blue tux - and damn it i’ll get there! But what I'm trying to say is that there’ll always be something else that is bigger and better. Even if I get to achieve my dream, deep down I know that once there, I'll be seeking the next big thing. If you’re always looking off towards the horizon for what might be next, you’ll always overlook and not appreciate where you are and what you’re doing right now. Be mindful of this, because I certainly haven't been!
This might be a bit controversial, but happiness comes and goes just like money. You can pursue and do things that make you happy, but there’s a point where it can drain you, and grind you down through powers beyond your control - that’s how I feel right now, and am questioning what’s important in life. The things that I thought made me happy (conducting) aren't making me happy right now - I’m sure it will do again, but I need to figure out what's dampening that joy.
So here is my final realisation for a 33 year old bloke: pursuing what makes you happy can be sh*t. I’ve been pursuing conducting for a long time to have my dream career, and I currently feel unhappy from what made me happy. Instead I think we should be striving for peace in life; we need to make peace with where we are vs where we want to be. We should make peace with what we perceive as shortcomings with what we have as strengths. We need to make peace with the idea that pursuing what made us happy is can make us unhappy.
I feel very Buddhist in saying that, and I know my mum would be proud! But I earnestly think the line “do what makes you happy” is toxic. Pursuing happiness is akin to pursuing the next big paycheck, contract, deal; or being a drama queen, it's akin to an addict seeking the next big hit!
If you can be content in life and have peace with all that is happening around you, that’s more important than pursuing happiness, for the word 'pursuit' implies always chasing.
Love,
Callum
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